Listen. Thailand. This law about detonating the national anthem every day at 8 a.m. and 6 p.m.? Let’s let that one go, yes? It was raining pleasantly this morning and I kind of wasn’t in the mood to wake up.
Also, these guys have been staring at me for twenty minutes at least. It has become creepy and worrisome and listen, “Three Little Birds” is a terrible name for that song. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” is much more reassuringly titled.
Let’s do some Q and A, because it’s long overdue:
Q: How was Burma?
A: I didn’t go to Burma. Plus it’s called Myanmar now. And as it turns out, it might be welcoming to the prep-minded, “who cares about tropical diseases” traveler, but I am the sort of person who laughs at preparation and therefore can’t go to any of the fun countries. Apparently, your money has to be a hundred percent ironed flat or it’s nothing, and I haven’t ironed since my mom paid me 50 cents a shirt in the ‘80s, unless you count that time I did Amy’s skirt. But that was with a hair straightener so maybe doesn’t count. Also, you can’t jaywalk there and I LOVE jaywalking, and you can’t show the bottoms of your feet at people, even to put them up on the bus, and I LOVE showing the bottoms of my feet at people, especially on the bus.
One more thing: the guidebooks said I would have to eat maggots while I was getting malaria, and that’s kind of a turn-off.
Q: Also, weren’t you supposed to go on some week-long tour that had you riding elephants and stuff?
A: Yeah, that was kind of a quandary. The elephant thing had been giving me moral issues for a few weeks before I was sitting around in Japan one night and came across some pics of the company’s most recent tour. It looked like a bunch of drunken 19-year-olds, which- no thank you. I figured I’d eat the deposit and just not show up, but then miraculously got an email that said blah blah blah, did I happen to want a refund? This was incredibly exciting because I had also just found out that the Japanese government and exchange rates had conspired to rob me of a few hundred expected dollars, soooo… windfall, booyah.
Q: Are you doing the backpacking thing on Khao San Road?
A: No. No way. I am only intrepid when trying new foods. I like showers and toilets and the world wide web.
Q: Seriously about the birds outside. They’re probably tropical; don’t you think that’s cool?
A: I turned on the television for only the second time in seven weeks the other night, and the English speaking channels only had The Year of the Yao and that Alfred Hitchcock movie about aviary murderers. So now I wish for Yao Ming to have eternal happiness and for those beady little eyes outside to stop giving me all the willies.
Q: Do you have enough turmeric in you to choke a camel?
A: Yes, provided somebody flies over a camel and wants to watch me do that. That’s weird, though. But turmeric, yeah: I’ve been shoving curry in my face with the strength and velocity of an exploding star, so eventually I looked up its nutrient density. Turns out its loaded with turmeric. My dad once told me that stuff is really good for you but tastes like toasted death powder, but I’ve now found the way around it: curry. I have warded off Alzheimer’s for the next 60 years, at least.
Q: Finally, you’re about to take a little boat to the mainland to catch your plane back to Bangkok. Are you excited about this thunderstorm?
A: Yes, and thank you for asking. I think it’s going to keep away the birds…