This Message Brought to You by Upper Case and Amtrak and It’s for Attila

What kind of a BIG DUMMY schedules 34 hours of consecutive travel time?  A nice dummy, that kind.  Still a dummy, though, because I gave up my window seat on a 16 hour flight so a family could sit together, and I ended up oozing tears and excess body parts between the Bombai Squishmeisters for a very, very long time. I had three people and an aisle on each side of me, but if I’d kept my original seat I would’ve been able to look at Scandinavia!  SCANDINAVIA, you guys!  I’ll bet they were all on NordicTraks, too, and I missed it. 

 My ankles are like elephant trunks again; you could hollow them out and make a matching set of koi ponds.  And my seat tv doesn’t work so I’m watching Game of Thrones on my laptop, even though people are having a LOT of really naked sex in these episodes and I’m in public.  I’m sure the little boy vomiting behind me had a different reason for his incessant wailing.  Hey, did you know they’ll serve you two free giant whiskey drinks right before you disembark?  It’s a BIG DUMMY move to drink them, because airplane Indian food consists of white bread and caloric insignificance.  And I hate white bread, because I’m a food snob now.

As well as being a big, squelching, smelly dummy… who’s still trying to fumigate via Nivea men’s.  Oh, I’m SO glad this trip’s almost over!

I have to type this part really quickly, so I can then immediately (space space space space space space… wait, that didn’t work ENTER ENTER ENTER ENTER ENTER) until he doesn’t see it on my screen, but I couldn’t sleep at ALL because this guy on my right kept trying to sleep-suckle me and he leaned on my tricep for a very long time, like until I got angry and started elbowing him like I’m doing the one armed chicken dance.  And I’m really mad at him but not in a “public confrontation” kind of way, so on the off chance he can read 12 pt font English, paragraph done.

I KNOW I’m an ungrateful wretch and Louis CK is cringing somewhere making obscene gestures at the fact that I’m complaining about having just traveled halfway around an entire planet in a day rather than the more historically common bajillion months.  But I do not care, because of… I’m tired.  

I wrote this for Attila.  Somebody’s doing voltage tests on my neurons so they’re not working very well right now, hence the capital letters and exclamation points instead of, like, descriptive vocabulary.  

But I’m back in the United States, though!  And I’m really excited about it! And I’m going to Boru’s on Friday, you wanna come?

GOODBYE.

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