You Can’t Make This Up

The sweet Vietnamese woman who just delivered my leftover ostrich curry couldn’t stop oohing and aahing at the pile of makeup she had to sweep aside .

“Not Chinese! European! So good, so gooooooooood!”

She asked if she could touch it and I acquiesced, wide-eyed at how lovingly she stroked the lipstick.

Ew. I just reread that last sentence and it reeks of fetish doggy porn- sorry.

Anyway, I don’t actually believe she was awed over the makeup as much as my really obvious lack of using it. I should not have joked about my flaming cheetah leg spots in that last post, but I didn’t know at the time that they’d gather reinforcements and spread like a swarming red army from my neck to my toes. I didn’t know that they’d align themselves with the chills, headache, and joint pain that left me whimpering through the 16-hour journey to my Halong hotel, and I certainly didn’t know that I’d be googling “Japanese encephalitis” and “dengue fever” less because I wondered which one I had than to find ways to die in relative comfort.

Of course I was overreacting. A good 36 hours of sleep and four liters of water banished everything but the rash. I spent yesterday drinking appropriately named bottled La Vie and flopping across my bed like a trout in the bottom of a rowboat, trying unsuccessfully to pretend I wasn’t scratching.

I watched sub-dubbed Cinemax all day. My greatest accomplishment was learning from a terrible Mark-Paul Gosselaar movie that the Vietnamese phrase for lesbian is “dong ting”.

Today has been much better, which is why I ventured to the restaurant for lunch instead of ordering invalid. I’m still mildly measles-y in appearance, but I can control the scratching and in my humble op, the scratching is the worst for other people.

That’s how I came to order the ostrich. Weird meals are my most doable exotic indoor pleasure, and they’ll have to suffice until I don’t look like a red dwarf actually exploded on me.

Although I suppose I could cover it with my fancy-schmancy makeup.


3 thoughts on “You Can’t Make This Up

  1. brooksmakeup says:

    I hope you feel better soon! I just discovered your blog and love the way your write!

    Abi x


  2. Colleen Foster says:

    Glad you’re feeling better and now I know where you are. Please be careful not to do too much too soon!


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