March 14, 2018
This one isn’t going into the Fulbright blog, because I want to be able to say things like “holy shit!” with impunity.
You guys, I saw the craziest things I’ve seen today! Well, definitely since ChickenFest, anyway.
The setting: Ubud, Bali, where I’ve moved because it was too hard to swim at my dumb other beach and Emily’s pictures make this place look amazing. My pics, on the other hand, make it look like this:
I like it, though. I took an immediate pleasant stroll down the road and I had my first “holy shit!” when I saw what they were selling for souvies. I mean, what if they search your bags at the airport? I feel like I would be judged harshly by size… color… all kinds of things. No, thank you.
Anyway, I was pleased that this place called Monkey Forest was right at the bottom of the hill. These were my first clues that I’d like it:
Hahaha “another toilet for ladies”. You go, gender equality.
The silly other tourists were laughing at something else: the thought of a monkey actually attacking. I looked at them solemnly, shaking my head.
“I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?” one asked.
“Rabies,” I said stonefaced, and I turned and paid the entrance fee.
The Monkey Forest is soooo pretty; it almost doesn’t even need all the scrappy primates. Holy shit with that statue, though. Master, schmaster of his domain.
And holy shit with that monkey doing drugs! I could only get a blurry photo because it was raining and I was shocked to my core, but these dudes opened and that bigger one ate an entire pill pack of something or other.
“Stop it! Stop it, monkey!” I shrilled, “that’s drugs! DRUGS! An egg will be your brain on drugs!”
The monkey didn’t stop it, so I went to get a park ranger.
“A monkey is back there doing drugs.”
“No! God, no. NOT MY DRUGS.” (I’d just finished a book about the Bali prison called Hotel K because I like to read books set in the places I go. Hotel K is scary as all hell and the last place I want to go to is there, but I really did want to do right by that monkey.)
“Please come with me,” I said, “the monkey is going to be extremely stoned and I’m concerned for him.”
I led the way. The park guy laughed when he found out the monkey had eaten an entire package of diet pills.
Personally, I’m not so sure it’s funny, but HOLY SHIT. The friend monkey just put his hand IN THE OTHER MONKEY. From behind. I have a picture of that, too, but I’m not showing it. Like I said, I went to ChickenFest. I know what it’s like to have my eyes burned out of my head.
Holy, what a day. I’m leaving a lot of stuff out, too, because of my family maybe not liking this one so much. I had to share, though- I had to. Walk around with that stuff buried inside you and you might explode.
I’ll end with these tamer monkeys, I think, though. They’re much cuter, and like, that’s the last picture we should have in our heads.
Please don’t stop being friends with me.